If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (24/7, confidential) | Text START to 88788 | Chat at thehotline.org
If your partner monitors your devices, consider calling from a safe phone or visiting a local library to access resources.
Divorce and Domestic Violence: Your Safety Plan
Leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time for a survivor. If you are considering divorce from an abusive partner, your safety — and the safety of your children — must come before everything else. This guide walks you through how to plan your exit, protect yourself legally, and find the resources you need.
Recognizing Abuse: It's Not Just Physical
Domestic violence takes many forms. If you are questioning whether what you experience counts as abuse, it almost certainly does. Abusers rely on their victims minimizing, rationalizing, and doubting their own reality. Here are the forms abuse can take:
Physical abuse
Hitting, slapping, choking, pushing, restraining, throwing objects, blocking exits, destroying property, hurting pets. Any unwanted physical contact or threat of physical harm. It does not have to leave visible marks to be abuse.
Emotional and psychological abuse
Constant criticism, humiliation, gaslighting (making you question your own memory and perception), isolating you from friends and family, monitoring your movements, controlling what you wear or who you speak to, threatening to harm themselves if you leave, using children as emotional weapons.
Financial abuse
Controlling all money, preventing you from working, giving you an “allowance,” hiding assets, running up debt in your name, forcing you to sign financial documents, sabotaging your employment. Financial abuse traps victims by making them economically dependent on the abuser.
Sexual abuse
Any unwanted sexual contact, coercion, or assault — including within marriage. Marital rape is a crime in all 50 states. Being married does not give anyone the right to your body.
Coercive control
A pattern of behavior that strips away your autonomy. Controlling your daily routine, dictating who you can see, monitoring your phone and email, tracking your location, making all household decisions, punishing you with silence or withdrawal. Coercive control is now recognized as a form of domestic violence in many jurisdictions and can be used as evidence in divorce and custody proceedings.
If any of these descriptions sound familiar, you are not overreacting. You deserve safety. You deserve to leave.
Creating a Safety Plan Before You Leave
Do not leave impulsively if you can help it. Abusers escalate when they sense they are losing control. The period immediately before, during, and after leaving is statistically the most dangerous time for a victim. A safety plan is your roadmap out.
- 1.Identify a safe place to go. This could be a friend or family member's home, a domestic violence shelter, or a motel. Have at least two options. Do not tell your partner where you plan to go.
- 2.Pack an emergency bag. Keep it hidden at a friend's house or in your car trunk. Include: identification (driver's license, passport, birth certificates for you and children), cash, a change of clothes, medications, phone charger, and copies of important documents.
- 3.Secure important documents. Make copies of: marriage certificate, financial records, tax returns, bank and credit card statements, insurance policies, children's school and medical records, any evidence of abuse. Store copies outside the home — with a trusted person, in a safe deposit box, or in a secure cloud account your partner does not know about.
- 4.Establish a code word. Choose a code word or phrase with a trusted friend, family member, or neighbor that means “I need help now.” If you cannot speak freely, this word signals that they should call the police or come to your aid.
- 5.Know your escape routes. Mentally rehearse how to leave your home quickly. Identify which doors and windows are accessible. Keep your car fueled and facing outward in the driveway. If your partner blocks exits, know an alternate route.
- 6.Set aside money quietly. If possible, begin setting aside small amounts of cash over time. Open a separate bank account at a different bank from any joint accounts. Even $20 a week adds up. Financial independence is critical to leaving safely.
- 7.Contact a DV advocate. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) to speak with a trained advocate who can help you create a personalized safety plan. This call is free, confidential, and available 24/7.
Technology Safety: Protecting Your Digital Life
Abusers frequently use technology to monitor, track, and control their victims. Before you take any steps toward leaving, secure your digital life.
Check for stalkerware
Stalkerware (spyware) apps can track your location, read your texts, record your calls, and access your camera without your knowledge. Check your phone's installed apps for anything you do not recognize. On iPhone, look for unfamiliar configuration profiles under Settings > General > VPN & Device Management. On Android, check Settings > Apps for unknown apps. The National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV) has a Tech Safety project with detailed guides.
Use a safe device
If you suspect monitoring, do your research and planning from a device your abuser cannot access — a public library computer, a friend's phone, or an inexpensive prepaid (“burner”) phone. Do not search for shelters, lawyers, or safety plans on a shared or monitored device.
Check location sharing
Review location-sharing settings on your phone, Google account, Apple ID, and any family tracking apps (Find My iPhone, Google Maps sharing, Life360). Turn off location sharing only when it is safe to do so — sudden changes may alert your abuser. Consider leaving your tracked phone at home when you go to safety plan meetings.
Secure your accounts
Change passwords on a safe device. Use a new email address that your partner does not know about for communication with lawyers, advocates, and shelters. Enable two-factor authentication. Check if your partner has access to your cloud storage, email, or social media accounts.
Check your car for trackers
GPS trackers can be attached to vehicles magnetically. Check under bumpers, inside wheel wells, behind the dashboard, and under the car. AirTags and Tile trackers can be hidden inside the car. If your iPhone alerts you to an unknown AirTag traveling with you, take it seriously.
Gathering Evidence Safely
Documentation of abuse is critical for protective orders, divorce proceedings, and custody cases. But gathering evidence must be done safely — your life is more important than any piece of paper.
- •Photograph injuries with timestamps. Include something for scale (a coin, your hand). Take photos from multiple angles. Store them in a secure cloud account or send them to a trusted person.
- •Save threatening messages. Screenshot texts, emails, voicemails, and social media messages. Forward them to a private email account. Do not delete the originals on your phone — just make sure copies exist elsewhere.
- •Keep a written log. Write down each incident as soon as possible: date, time, what happened, any witnesses, injuries sustained. Use a small notebook you can hide, or a secure notes app on a safe device.
- •Get medical documentation. After any physical incident, go to a doctor or emergency room. Tell them what happened. Medical records documenting abuse-related injuries are powerful evidence in court. Ask for copies.
- •File police reports. Even if you are not ready to press charges, a police report creates an official record. Multiple reports over time establish a pattern that courts take seriously.
- •Ask witnesses to write statements. Friends, family, neighbors, or coworkers who have witnessed abuse or its aftermath can provide written statements or testify in court.
Important: Recording laws vary by state.
Some states allow one-party consent for recording conversations (meaning you can record without your partner's knowledge). Others require all-party consent. Check your state's laws before recording conversations — illegal recordings may not be admissible in court and could create legal problems for you.
Protective Orders: Emergency, Temporary, and Permanent
A protective order (also called a restraining order or order of protection) is a court order that legally prohibits your abuser from contacting you, coming near you, or harming you. There are three main types:
Emergency Protective Order (EPO)
Issued immediately, often by law enforcement at the scene of an incident, without the abuser present. Typically lasts 5–7 days. An EPO buys you time to file for a longer-term order. Available 24/7 — police can request one from a judge by phone even in the middle of the night.
Temporary Protective Order (TPO)
Filed at the courthouse. A judge reviews your petition (usually without the abuser present) and can grant a temporary order that typically lasts 14–21 days, until a full hearing can be scheduled. You do not need an attorney to file for a TPO — courthouse staff and DV advocates can help you fill out the paperwork.
Final (Permanent) Protective Order
Issued after a full court hearing where both parties can present evidence and testimony. If granted, a final protective order can last one to five years or longer, depending on the state. Some states allow lifetime orders in severe cases. A final protective order can include provisions for custody, child support, and exclusive use of the family home.
A protective order can require the abuser to: stay a certain distance from you, your home, your workplace, and your children's school; cease all contact (calls, texts, emails, social media); surrender firearms; vacate the shared residence; and pay temporary support. Violating a protective order is a criminal offense.
Safe Houses and Shelters
Domestic violence shelters provide a confidential, secure place to stay when you leave. They are free and typically offer much more than just a roof:
- ✓Safe, confidential housing (addresses are not public)
- ✓Counseling and emotional support for adults and children
- ✓Legal advocacy and help with protective orders
- ✓Safety planning assistance
- ✓Help with employment, housing, and financial independence
- ✓Children's programs and childcare
- ✓Referrals to legal aid attorneys
How to find a shelter near you:
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788. They can connect you with a local shelter and help you create a safety plan. Available 24/7 in over 200 languages.
National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV)
Visit nnedv.org for resources, state coalition directories, and technology safety information. NNEDV coordinates with local programs across all 50 states.
State Domestic Violence Coalitions
Every state has a domestic violence coalition that connects survivors with local shelters, legal aid, and support services. Search “[your state] domestic violence coalition” to find yours.
If shelters in your area are full — which unfortunately happens — advocates can help you find alternatives including hotel vouchers, transitional housing, or safe homes in nearby areas.
Filing for Divorce While in Danger
Filing for divorce can escalate an abuser's behavior. This does not mean you should not file — it means you need to do it with safety measures in place.
- 1.Get a protective order first if possible. Having legal protections in place before filing for divorce adds a layer of safety and demonstrates to the court that there is a documented pattern of abuse.
- 2.Work with an attorney experienced in DV cases. Many legal aid organizations provide free representation to domestic violence survivors. A DV-experienced attorney knows how to file strategically — requesting emergency custody orders, exclusive use of the home, and other protections alongside the divorce petition.
- 3.Use an address confidentiality program. Most states have Address Confidentiality Programs (ACPs) that give you a substitute address for all public records, including court filings. This keeps your real location hidden from your abuser. Enroll through a DV advocate.
- 4.Request that your abuser be served by a professional. Do not attempt to serve divorce papers yourself. Use a professional process server or have the sheriff's department handle service. Some courts allow service by publication if the abuser's location is unknown.
- 5.Ask for emergency temporary orders. At the time of filing, ask the court for emergency temporary orders regarding custody, support, and exclusive possession of the home. Courts can grant these without the abuser being present if there is imminent danger.
How Domestic Violence Affects Custody Decisions
All 50 states require courts to consider domestic violence when making custody determinations. In many states, there is a legal presumption against granting custody to a parent who has been found to have committed domestic violence.
Best interest of the child
Courts prioritize the child's safety above all else. Evidence of domestic violence — even when directed at a partner rather than a child — is considered harmful to children. Children who witness domestic violence suffer documented psychological harm equivalent to direct abuse.
Supervised visitation
Courts may order supervised visitation for the abusive parent, meaning visits with children can only occur in the presence of a court-approved supervisor or at a supervised visitation center. This protects the child while maintaining some parental contact.
No unsupervised contact
In severe cases, courts can deny unsupervised visitation entirely or terminate parental rights. This is more common when there is documented physical abuse of the child, sexual abuse, or when the abuser has violated protective orders repeatedly.
Custody exchanges
Courts can order that custody exchanges (drop-offs and pick-ups) happen at a neutral, public location such as a police station or supervised exchange center. This prevents the abuser from using exchanges as an opportunity for intimidation or violence.
Warning: Abusers often use custody to maintain control.
Abusers may fight for custody not because they want to parent, but because custody gives them continued access to and control over the victim. This is called “legal abuse” or “systems abuse.” Courts are becoming more aware of this tactic. Document everything and work with a DV-experienced attorney who understands this dynamic.
Address Confidentiality Programs
One of the biggest fears for survivors is that their abuser will find them after they leave. Address Confidentiality Programs (ACPs) exist specifically to prevent this.
ACPs are state-run programs that provide survivors with a substitute mailing address. This substitute address is used on all public records — voter registration, court filings, school enrollment, driver's license, and more. Your actual address remains confidential. All first-class mail sent to the substitute address is forwarded to your real location.
How to enroll: Contact a local domestic violence advocate or your state's Secretary of State office. You will need to complete an application and demonstrate that you are a survivor of domestic violence, sexual assault, or stalking. The process is free.
Most states have an ACP, though the specific name varies — Safe at Home, Address Confidentiality Program, or similar. Your DV advocate can walk you through enrollment in your state.
Building Financial Independence
Financial abuse keeps victims trapped. Breaking free financially is a critical part of your safety plan. Here are steps you can take, even while still in the relationship:
- •Open a separate bank account at a different bank from any joint accounts. Use a friend's address or a P.O. box for statements. Switch to paperless statements and use a private email address.
- •Set aside cash gradually. Withdraw small amounts from grocery trips or get cash back at stores. Even small amounts add up over weeks and months.
- •Check your credit report. Your abuser may have opened accounts in your name or run up debt you do not know about. Pull your free credit report at annualcreditreport.com and review it carefully.
- •Document joint assets and debts. Photograph bank statements, investment accounts, retirement accounts, property deeds, vehicle titles, and loan documents. You need this information for the divorce.
- •Know about emergency financial assistance. DV organizations, TANF (Temporary Assistance for Needy Families), SNAP (food assistance), and local nonprofits can provide emergency financial help when you leave.
VAWA Protections
The Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) provides federal protections for survivors of domestic violence, dating violence, sexual assault, and stalking. Key VAWA protections include:
Housing protections
VAWA prohibits public housing authorities and subsidized housing programs from denying admission to or evicting victims of domestic violence because of the abuse. If your abuser is on the lease, you may be able to have them removed without losing your housing.
Employment protections
Many states have laws that protect DV victims from being fired for taking time off to attend court hearings, obtain protective orders, or seek medical treatment related to the abuse. Some states also protect time off for safety planning and shelter stays.
Firearms restrictions
Federal law prohibits individuals subject to qualifying protective orders or convicted of misdemeanor domestic violence offenses from possessing firearms. If your abuser has firearms and you have a protective order, law enforcement can require them to surrender their weapons.
Full faith and credit
Protective orders issued in one state must be recognized and enforced in all other states. If you relocate for safety, your protective order follows you. You do not need to register it in the new state — it is automatically valid.
Protections for Immigrant Victims
If you are an immigrant in an abusive relationship, you may fear that leaving will result in deportation — and your abuser may use that fear to control you. Federal law provides specific protections so that immigration status cannot be used as a weapon of abuse.
VAWA Self-Petition
If you are or were married to an abusive U.S. citizen or lawful permanent resident, you can file a self-petition for immigration status without your abuser's knowledge or cooperation. Your abuser will not be notified. You must show that you entered the marriage in good faith, lived in the U.S., and were subjected to battery or extreme cruelty.
U-Visa
The U-visa is available to victims of certain crimes — including domestic violence, sexual assault, and trafficking — who have cooperated with law enforcement. A U-visa provides temporary legal status, work authorization, and a path to a green card. You do not need to be married to your abuser to qualify.
T-Visa
For victims of human trafficking, including situations where an intimate partner has trafficked the victim. Provides temporary immigration status, work authorization, and access to federal benefits.
Your immigration status does not prevent you from getting help.
DV shelters, the National Domestic Violence Hotline, and legal aid organizations serve all survivors regardless of immigration status. Domestic violence organizations are not required to ask about or report immigration status. You have the right to safety no matter what.
Resources: Where to Get Help Now
You do not have to do this alone. These organizations provide free, confidential support:
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Phone: 1-800-799-7233 (24/7) | Text: START to 88788 | Chat: thehotline.org. Trained advocates provide crisis intervention, safety planning, and referrals to local services. Available in 200+ languages.
Crisis Text Line
Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a crisis counselor. Free, 24/7, confidential. Useful if you cannot safely make a phone call.
Love Is Respect
Phone: 1-866-331-9474 | Text: LOVEIS to 22522 | Chat: loveisrespect.org. Focused on young people and dating violence but serves all ages. Offers peer support and safety planning.
National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV)
Visit nnedv.org for state coalition directories, technology safety resources, and policy information. Their Safety Net project provides tech safety resources.
WomensLaw.org
Visit womenslaw.org for state-by-state legal information about protective orders, custody, and divorce. Includes a free legal email hotline where attorneys answer your questions.
Legal Aid
Visit lawhelp.org to find free legal services in your area. Many legal aid organizations prioritize domestic violence cases and can represent you in divorce and custody proceedings at no cost.
You deserve to be safe.
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Legal Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice. Domestic violence laws, protective order procedures, and custody statutes vary significantly by state. The information above provides general guidance but your specific situation may differ.
Always consult with a licensed family law attorney experienced in domestic violence cases for advice specific to your circumstances. If you are in immediate danger, call 911. For crisis support, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.