Coercive Control: The Abuse That Doesn't Leave Bruises
You may not have a black eye. You may never have been hit. But you walk on eggshells every day. You ask permission to see your friends. You explain every dollar you spend. You have lost yourself — slowly, invisibly, completely. This is coercive control, and it is abuse.
What Is Coercive Control?
Coercive control is a pattern of behavior that seeks to strip away your autonomy, independence, and sense of self. It is not a single incident — it is a sustained campaign of domination. The term was coined by sociologist Evan Stark in his 2007 book Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life, which reframed domestic abuse from isolated violent incidents to an ongoing pattern of liberty deprivation.
Think of it less like assault and more like a hostage situation that plays out in your own home, over months or years. The abuser becomes the architect of your daily life — what you wear, who you see, what you eat, how you spend money, when you sleep. Each individual act might seem small. Together, they form a cage.
The key distinction
Coercive control is not the same as situational conflict. Every relationship has arguments, disagreements, and moments of frustration. Coercive control is different because it is ongoing, deliberate, and asymmetric — one person systematically dominates the other. The goal is not to resolve a disagreement. The goal is to control.
Types of Coercive Control
Coercive control takes many forms. Most abusers use several of these tactics simultaneously, creating a web of control that becomes nearly impossible to escape without outside help.
Isolation
Cutting you off from friends, family, and support networks. It starts subtly — “I don't like your friend Sarah” — and escalates to forbidding contact, monitoring phone calls, moving you away from your support system, or creating conflict with everyone in your life until they pull away.
Monitoring and Surveillance
Tracking your location via phone apps, checking your odometer, demanding to know where you are at all times, reading your texts and emails, installing cameras in the home, following you, or showing up unexpectedly at your workplace. Technology has made this exponentially easier.
Financial Control
Controlling all money and financial decisions. Giving you an “allowance,” requiring you to account for every purchase, preventing you from working, sabotaging your employment, hiding assets, running up debt in your name, or keeping you financially dependent so you cannot leave.
Threats and Intimidation
Threatening to hurt you, the children, or pets. Threatening to take the children away. Threatening to report you to immigration, child protective services, or the police. Threatening suicide if you leave. Punching walls, breaking objects, displaying weapons. The message is clear: obey, or else.
Degradation and Humiliation
Constant criticism, name-calling, belittling your intelligence, mocking your appearance, humiliating you in front of others, telling you no one else would want you, making you feel worthless. Over time, you internalize these messages and lose your sense of self-worth.
Micromanaging Daily Life
Dictating what you eat, when you sleep, how you clean the house, what route you drive to the store, how long errands should take. Setting rules and punishing you for breaking them. Creating an environment where you are constantly anxious about doing something “wrong.”
Controlling Appearance
Telling you what to wear, how to style your hair, whether you can wear makeup, criticizing your body, dictating your diet or exercise. Some abusers demand a certain “look” and punish deviations. Others deliberately make you look unkempt to lower your self-esteem and reduce the chance that others will find you attractive.
Gaslighting
Making you doubt your own reality. Denying things that happened (“I never said that”), telling you that you are crazy or too sensitive, rewriting history, moving objects and denying it, turning others against you so no one believes your version of events. Gaslighting is particularly devastating because it attacks your ability to trust your own perception.
Weaponizing Children
Using children as tools of control — threatening to take custody, turning children against you, using children as spies or messengers, undermining your parenting, making you feel like a bad parent, or threatening to harm the children if you disobey. This continues and often escalates after separation.
States That Criminalize Coercive Control
The legal landscape is shifting. A growing number of U.S. states now recognize coercive control as a form of domestic violence, either through dedicated legislation or by expanding existing domestic violence definitions.
- ✓California (2020, AB 1669/SB 1141) — expanded definition of domestic violence to include coercive control; updated Family Code Section 6320
- ✓Connecticut (2021, PA 21-78) — one of the first states to create a standalone coercive control statute
- ✓Hawaii (2020, HB 2425) — included coercive control in domestic abuse restraining order criteria
- ✓Washington (2022) — expanded domestic violence definition to include coercive control patterns
- ✓New York — multiple bills introduced; coercive control increasingly recognized in family court proceedings
- ✓Illinois, Oregon, Colorado — active legislation pending or recently enacted provisions recognizing patterns of coercive behavior
Internationally, the movement is further along. The United Kingdom criminalized coercive control in 2015 under Section 76 of the Serious Crime Act, carrying a maximum sentence of five years. Scotland passed the Domestic Abuse (Scotland) Act 2018, widely regarded as the gold standard. Ireland (2018) and Australia (Tasmania 2004, federal reforms ongoing) have followed.
Even in states without specific coercive control laws, courts are increasingly receptive to evidence of controlling patterns when making custody and protective order decisions. The law is catching up with what survivors have always known.
How Courts Recognize Coercive Control in Divorce
Family courts are evolving in how they handle coercive control. Historically, judges looked for physical violence — bruises, broken bones, hospital records. Non-physical abuse was often dismissed as “just a bad marriage.” That is changing.
Courts now consider coercive control in several contexts:
Protective Orders
In states with coercive control legislation, you can seek a restraining order based on a pattern of controlling behavior, even without physical violence. The court examines the overall pattern rather than individual incidents.
Custody Determinations
Judges increasingly understand that a parent who coercively controls a partner is likely to use similar tactics with children. Evidence of coercive control can weigh heavily in best-interest-of-the-child analyses and may result in supervised visitation or restricted custody.
Property and Financial Settlements
Financial abuse — a core component of coercive control — can influence how courts divide assets. If one spouse was prevented from working, had no access to marital finances, or had debt fraudulently incurred in their name, courts may adjust the division to account for this economic harm.
Spousal Support
Courts may award higher or longer spousal support to a victim of coercive control, recognizing that years of domination may have prevented them from developing career skills, earning capacity, or financial independence.
Documenting Coercive Control
This is harder than documenting physical abuse — but not impossible.
Physical abuse leaves visible marks. Coercive control leaves invisible ones. The challenge in court is proving a pattern that unfolds over months or years, often behind closed doors, with no witnesses. But it can be done.
- 1.Keep a detailed journal. Record every incident with the date, time, what happened, and how it made you feel. Be specific: “On March 5, he demanded to see my phone and deleted three contacts” is stronger than “he's controlling.” Store this somewhere your partner cannot find it — a cloud account they do not know about, a trusted friend's home, or a domestic violence advocate's office.
- 2.Save digital evidence. Screenshots of threatening or controlling texts, emails demanding account of your time, location-tracking apps installed without consent, social media posts or messages showing surveillance. Back these up to a secure cloud account.
- 3.Preserve financial records. Bank statements showing restricted access, evidence of hidden accounts, records of financial control (allowances, required receipts), credit reports showing debt opened in your name without consent. Request copies of all joint financial documents.
- 4.Gather witness statements. Friends, family members, coworkers, teachers, or counselors who have observed the controlling behavior or its effects on you. Even people who noticed you becoming more withdrawn, anxious, or isolated can provide valuable corroboration.
- 5.Seek professional assessment. A therapist or domestic violence counselor experienced in coercive control can provide expert testimony about the pattern of abuse and its psychological impact. This professional perspective is powerful in court.
- 6.Document the impact on your health. Medical records showing anxiety, depression, PTSD, insomnia, weight changes, or other health effects of chronic stress. Prescription records for medication related to the abuse. Therapy records (with your consent to release).
How Coercive Control Affects Custody Decisions
Custody is often the most terrifying aspect of divorce for coercive control survivors. The abuser has likely already threatened to “take the kids” — and may have spent years positioning themselves as the “good parent” while undermining your confidence.
Here is what courts are increasingly recognizing:
- •Controlling a partner correlates with controlling children. Research shows that parents who use coercive control against a partner are more likely to use authoritarian, rigid, or emotionally abusive parenting.
- •Post-separation abuse is common. Abusers frequently escalate controlling behavior after separation, using custody proceedings, financial manipulation, and ongoing harassment to maintain power. Courts are learning to anticipate this.
- •The “friendly parent” trap. Some courts historically penalized the parent who was less willing to co-parent cooperatively. Domestic violence advocates have fought to change this, arguing that expecting a victim to co-parent cheerfully with their abuser is unreasonable and unsafe.
- •Supervised visitation may be ordered. In cases where coercive control is established, courts may require supervised visitation to protect both the children and the victimized parent from continued manipulation.
How Coercive Control Affects Children Long-Term
Children living in a home with coercive control are affected even if the abuse is never directed at them. Research consistently shows that exposure to coercive control is as harmful as direct abuse.
Emotional and Behavioral Effects
Anxiety, depression, difficulty regulating emotions, aggression, withdrawal, bed-wetting, nightmares, and regression in developmental milestones. Children absorb the tension in the household even when they do not witness specific incidents.
Learned Relationship Patterns
Children who grow up with coercive control learn that relationships involve domination and submission. Boys may be more likely to become controlling in their own relationships; girls may be more likely to accept controlling behavior as normal. Breaking this cycle requires intentional intervention.
Academic and Social Impact
Difficulty concentrating, lower academic performance, trouble forming healthy friendships, hypervigilance in social situations, and people-pleasing behavior. These effects can persist well into adulthood without therapeutic support.
Loyalty Conflicts
Children in coercive control households often feel torn between parents. The controlling parent may actively recruit children as allies, create loyalty binds, or punish children for showing affection to the other parent. This is sometimes called parentification or instrumental use of children.
Trauma Bonding: Why It's So Hard to Leave
If you have ever wondered “why don't they just leave?” — or asked yourself that question about your own situation — the answer often lies in trauma bonding.
Trauma bonding occurs when an abuser creates a powerful emotional attachment through cycles of intermittent abuse and reinforcement. The pattern goes: tension builds, an abusive episode occurs, then the abuser shows remorse, kindness, or affection (the “honeymoon phase”). This cycle creates a biochemical dependency similar to addiction — the relief and love after abuse triggers the same dopamine pathways as substance use.
This is not weakness. It is biology.
On average, a person in an abusive relationship attempts to leave seven times before leaving permanently. Trauma bonding is the primary reason. Your brain has been conditioned to equate this person with survival and love, even when they are the source of your pain. Understanding this is the first step to breaking free.
Signs of trauma bonding include: defending or making excuses for your partner's behavior, feeling unable to leave even though you know the relationship is harmful, believing they will change, feeling intense love immediately after an abusive episode, isolating yourself to avoid judgment from others, and feeling that you “can't live without” the person who is hurting you. Recognizing these patterns is not a sign of failure — it is the beginning of recovery.
Safety Planning: Preparing to Leave
Leaving a coercive controller is the most dangerous time. The abuser is losing control, and many escalate to physical violence during separation. A safety plan is not optional — it is essential.
- 1.Contact a domestic violence hotline. The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) provides free, confidential support and can help you create a personalized safety plan. You do not need to have been physically hit to call.
- 2.Secure your documents. Gather copies of your passport, birth certificate, Social Security card, financial records, children's documents, medical records, and any evidence of abuse. Store them outside the home — with a trusted person, in a safe deposit box, or at a DV shelter.
- 3.Open a separate bank account. If possible, start setting aside money in an account your partner does not know about. Even small amounts add up and give you options.
- 4.Secure your technology. Check your phone for tracking apps, change passwords on a device your partner cannot access, use incognito/private browsing for safety research, and consider getting a prepaid phone your partner does not know about.
- 5.Identify safe places. Know where you can go in an emergency — a friend's house, a family member, a DV shelter. Have a bag packed with essentials (or know you can leave with nothing if needed — things can be replaced, you cannot).
- 6.Tell someone you trust. Break the isolation. One trusted person who knows what is happening can be a lifeline. This could be a friend, family member, counselor, faith leader, or domestic violence advocate.
- 7.Consult a lawyer before you leave. An attorney can advise you on protective orders, temporary custody, and your rights. Many DV organizations offer free legal consultations. Leaving without legal preparation can be used against you in custody proceedings.
Breaking Free: Resources and Recovery
Recovery from coercive control is not just about leaving the relationship. It is about rebuilding your sense of self, relearning to trust your own judgment, and processing the trauma. This takes time, and it is not linear.
The Freedom Programme
Developed in the UK by Pat Craven, the Freedom Programme is a domestic abuse education course that helps survivors understand the beliefs and attitudes of abusers, recognize controlling behaviors, and rebuild self-confidence. It is available in-person through local DV organizations and online at freedomprogramme.co.uk. Many survivors describe it as life-changing.
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788. Available 24/7. Provides crisis intervention, safety planning, and referrals to local resources. Accessible in over 200 languages. You do not need to be in physical danger to call.
Trauma-Informed Therapy
Look for therapists specializing in domestic violence, complex PTSD, or coercive control. Approaches like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), CPT (Cognitive Processing Therapy), and somatic experiencing can be particularly effective. Many DV organizations offer free or sliding-scale counseling.
Support Groups
Connecting with other survivors is one of the most powerful steps in recovery. Organizations like the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), local DV shelters, and online communities provide peer support groups specifically for coercive control survivors.
Books That Help
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, Coercive Control by Evan Stark, The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans, Psychopath Free by Jackson MacKenzie, and Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman. Knowledge is a powerful antidote to gaslighting — when you can name what is happening, it loses some of its power.
You Are Not Crazy. You Are Not Weak. You Are Not Alone.
If you are reading this and recognizing your own life, please know: what is happening to you is real, it is abuse, and it is not your fault. You are not “too sensitive.” You are not “imagining things.” You did not cause this.
Coercive control thrives in silence and isolation. The most powerful thing you can do is break that silence — with a trusted friend, a counselor, a hotline, or even an anonymous online community. You do not have to have a plan. You do not have to be ready to leave. You just have to start talking about it.
And if you have already left: recovery is possible. It is hard, it takes time, and some days will feel like going backward. But thousands of survivors rebuild their lives, rediscover who they are, and find a freedom they had forgotten was possible. You can too.
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Legal Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice. Coercive control laws vary significantly by state and jurisdiction. The information above provides general guidance but your specific situation may differ.
Always consult with a licensed family law attorney in your state for advice specific to your circumstances. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
Crisis Resources: National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 | Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 | National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988