Self-Care During Divorce: Taking Care of Yourself When Everything Falls Apart
When your world is collapsing, “take care of yourself” can sound hollow. But self-care during divorce is not a luxury or indulgence — it is the foundation that keeps you standing while you navigate the hardest chapter of your life.
Self-Care Is Not Selfish — It Is Survival
Divorce is one of the highest-stress events a human being can experience — ranked alongside the death of a spouse and imprisonment on the Holmes-Rahe Stress Inventory. Your body is in fight-or-flight mode. Your brain is flooded with cortisol. Your immune system is compromised.
If you do not take care of yourself, you cannot make sound legal decisions. You cannot parent effectively. You cannot think clearly about your finances. You cannot process grief. Everything depends on you being functional — and self-care is what keeps you functional.
This is not about bubble baths and scented candles. This is about keeping your body alive, your mind working, and your life from spiraling while you get through this.
Your Body Is Under Siege
Divorce triggers a cascade of physical stress responses. Elevated cortisol — your primary stress hormone — disrupts sleep, suppresses your immune system, increases blood pressure, and can cause weight gain around the midsection. Studies show divorced individuals have a 23% higher mortality risk than married individuals, largely because health gets neglected during and after the process.
Sleep disruption is almost universal. You may lie awake replaying conversations, wake at 3 a.m. with racing thoughts, or sleep 12 hours and still feel exhausted. Chronic sleep deprivation impairs judgment, emotional regulation, and immune function — exactly the things you need most right now.
Appetite changes swing both ways. Some people cannot eat at all — food tastes like cardboard, the stomach is in knots. Others eat compulsively for comfort. Both are normal stress responses. The goal is not perfection — it is preventing malnutrition or significant weight swings that compound your stress.
What to do: Move your body for at least 20 minutes daily — walking counts. Prioritize sleep hygiene: consistent bedtime, no screens in bed, cool dark room. Eat something nutritious even when you have no appetite — protein, vegetables, water. See your doctor for a checkup if it has been a while. Tell them you are going through a divorce — they can screen for stress-related health issues.
Therapy, Support Groups, and Processing Grief
Individual therapy is one of the most valuable investments you can make during divorce. Look for a therapist who specializes in divorce, grief, or life transitions — not couples counseling (that ship has sailed). Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and EMDR are particularly effective for the intrusive thoughts and anxiety that accompany divorce.
Divorce support groups — both in-person and online — provide something therapy alone cannot: the knowledge that other people are going through exactly what you are. DivorceCare, local community centers, and organizations like NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) offer structured group support.
Journaling is a powerful and free tool. Write down what you are feeling — uncensored, unedited, for your eyes only. Research from the University of Texas shows that expressive writing about traumatic events improves immune function and reduces stress. Write the angry letter you will never send. Write the list of fears. Get it out of your head and onto paper.
Recognizing depression: Sadness during divorce is normal. Clinical depression is different. If you have lost interest in everything, feel worthless or hopeless most of the day for two or more weeks, have significant sleep or appetite changes, cannot concentrate, or are having thoughts of death — that is depression, and it is treatable. Talk to your doctor or therapist.
Who to Lean On — and Who to Avoid
Who to lean on: One or two trusted friends or family members who can listen without judgment, without trying to “fix” things, and without sharing your business with others. A therapist. A support group. People who have been through divorce themselves and came out the other side.
Who to avoid: People who badmouth your ex in front of your children. People who pressure you to “get over it.” People who take sides in a way that escalates conflict. People who use your vulnerability to push their own agenda. Mutual friends who report back to your ex.
Telling friends and family: You do not owe everyone a detailed explanation. A simple “We are getting a divorce” is enough for most people. For close friends and family, share what you are comfortable with — but remember that anything you say may be repeated. Be especially careful about what you say about your ex if you have children together.
Important: Isolation is one of the biggest risks during divorce. Even when you want to be alone, force yourself to maintain at least minimal social contact. A weekly coffee with a friend, a phone call with a sibling, a support group meeting — these connections are lifelines.
Understanding and Protecting Your Finances
Financial anxiety during divorce is often worse than the reality — but only if you face it. If your spouse managed the money, now is the time to understand your full financial picture: bank accounts, credit cards, retirement accounts, debts, monthly expenses, insurance policies.
Separate accounts: Open an individual bank account and credit card in your name only if you do not already have one. This is not about hiding money — it is about ensuring you have access to funds if joint accounts are frozen during proceedings. Consult your attorney about the proper way to do this in your state.
Financial therapist: A financial therapist (or Certified Divorce Financial Analyst — CDFA) combines financial expertise with emotional support. They help you understand your financial situation, overcome money anxiety, and build confidence in managing finances independently. The Financial Therapy Association maintains a directory of certified professionals.
Know your numbers: Pull your credit report (free at AnnualCreditReport.com). List all monthly bills. Understand your household income and expenses. Knowledge reduces anxiety — the unknown is always scarier than the known.
Social Media, Online Stalking, and Digital Boundaries
Social media breaks: Most therapists and divorce attorneys recommend a social media detox or significant reduction during divorce. Scrolling through your ex's posts, seeing mutual friends take sides, or comparing your life to curated highlight reels will make everything worse. Consider a 30-day detox. If that feels impossible, at minimum mute or block your ex and their family.
Do not stalk your ex online. Checking their social media, their dating profiles, their Venmo transactions, their location — this is self-harm disguised as information gathering. Every time you look, you reopen the wound. Block them. Delete the apps if you need to. Ask a friend to change your passwords temporarily.
Privacy matters: Change passwords on all accounts — email, banking, social media, Amazon, streaming services. Remove your ex from shared cloud storage. Check your phone for location-sharing apps. Review your privacy settings on every platform. Remember: anything you post online can be screenshot and used in court.
What to post: Nothing about the divorce. Nothing about your ex. Nothing about custody. Nothing about your attorney. Nothing about new relationships. Ideally, nothing at all until the divorce is finalized. If you must post, imagine a judge reading it.
Creating Structure When Everything Is Chaotic
Divorce demolishes your daily routine. The person you woke up next to, ate dinner with, and planned weekends around is gone or going. The structure of your life — who does what, when, where — is in freefall.
Build a new routine immediately. It does not need to be elaborate. Wake up at the same time. Make coffee. Move your body. Eat something. Go to work. Come home. Cook dinner (or order it — no judgment). Go to bed at the same time. Repeat.
Structure creates predictability, and predictability creates safety. When your emotional world is chaos, a predictable physical routine anchors you. It gives your brain something to follow when it cannot think clearly.
If you have children, maintaining their routine is even more critical. Kids need consistency during upheaval. School, bedtimes, meals, activities — keep these as stable as possible, even when you are falling apart. They are watching how you handle this, and structure tells them: “We are going to be okay.”
When to Seek Professional Help
There is a line between normal divorce grief and a crisis that requires professional intervention. Get help immediately if you recognize any of these warning signs:
- ✓Suicidal thoughts or self-harm: Call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) immediately, 24/7
- ✓Substance abuse: Using alcohol, drugs, or pills to numb the pain — even “just a few extra drinks”
- ✓Inability to function: Cannot get out of bed, go to work, feed yourself, or care for your children for more than a few days
- ✓Rage episodes: Uncontrollable anger that is affecting your children, your job, or your legal case
- ✓Panic attacks: Heart racing, chest tightness, shortness of breath, feeling like you are dying
- ✓Complete isolation: Withdrawing from everyone and refusing all contact for extended periods
Crisis Resources:
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988 — available 24/7. You do not need to be suicidal to call. They help anyone in emotional distress.
NAMI Helpline: 1-800-950-NAMI (6264) — information, referrals, and support for mental health conditions.
SAMHSA National Helpline: 1-800-662-4357 — free referrals for substance abuse treatment, 24/7.
Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 for free crisis counseling.
Daily Self-Care Checklist: 10 Things to Do Every Day
You do not need to do all ten perfectly. Start with three or four. Add more as you can. The point is having a concrete list to follow on the days when your brain cannot generate its own plan.
- Drink water. Dehydration worsens fatigue, headaches, and brain fog. Keep a water bottle with you.
- Eat a real meal. At least one actual meal with protein and vegetables. Not just coffee and granola bars.
- Move your body for 20 minutes. Walk around the block, stretch, do yoga, go to the gym — anything that gets you moving.
- Get outside. Sunlight regulates circadian rhythm and boosts serotonin. Even 10 minutes helps.
- Talk to one person. A friend, a family member, a therapist, a support group, a crisis line. Do not isolate.
- Write for 5 minutes. Journal, list your worries, write what you are grateful for — whatever comes out.
- Do not check your ex's social media. Block if necessary. Every time you look, you reset the healing clock.
- Do one small productive thing. Pay a bill, do laundry, organize one drawer. Small wins build momentum.
- Set a bedtime and keep it. Sleep is when your brain processes grief and stress. Protect it.
- Say one kind thing to yourself. “I am getting through this.” “I did my best today.” “This will not last forever.” You are your own most important ally right now.
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Disclaimer: This article is for informational and educational purposes only. It does not constitute medical, psychological, or legal advice. Self-care strategies described here are general guidance — your situation may require professional support.
If you are in emotional crisis or having thoughts of self-harm, contact the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (call or text 988) or go to your nearest emergency room. For substance abuse support, contact SAMHSA at 1-800-662-4357. For domestic violence support, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.