How to Tell Your Kids About Divorce: What to Say at Every Age
There's no way to make this conversation painless. But there are ways to make it less damaging. Research shows that how you tell your children matters more than the divorce itself. Here's how to do it right.
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Help Me Prepare5 Rules That Apply to Every Age
Tell them together (if possible)
Presenting a united front shows children that both parents are still on the same team when it comes to them. If it's not safe or possible to do this together, that's okay — but try.
It's not your fault
Children — even teenagers — often believe they caused the divorce. Say it explicitly: "This is not your fault. Nothing you did or didn't do caused this." Say it more than once.
We both still love you
Children's deepest fear is losing a parent's love. Reassure them that divorce means the marriage is ending, not the family. Both parents will always be their parents.
Keep adult details out of it
Never mention affairs, money disputes, or blame. Children don't need to know why — they need to know they're safe and loved. The details are between adults.
Give them permission to feel
"It's okay to be sad. It's okay to be angry. It's okay to be confused. Whatever you feel is okay, and we're here for you."
Ages 2–5: Keep It Simple
Toddlers and preschoolers won't understand what divorce means, but they WILL pick up on your emotions and changes in routine. They need short, concrete explanations and lots of reassurance.
What to say:
“Mommy and Daddy have decided that we're not going to live in the same house anymore. But we both love you SO much, and that will never, ever change. You'll have two homes now, and both of them are YOUR home.”
- ✓Use concrete details: where they'll sleep, who picks them up from school
- ✓Keep routines as consistent as possible — same bedtime, same stuffed animal
- ✓Expect regression: bed-wetting, clinginess, tantrums are normal temporary responses
- ✓Repeat the message — young children need to hear it many times
Ages 6–8: They'll Want to Fix It
Children at this age often believe they can fix the marriage if they behave better. They understand more but still think in concrete terms. Expect lots of “but why?” questions.
What to say:
“Mom and Dad have been having grown-up problems that we can't fix, even though we tried really hard. This is a grown-up decision, and it has nothing to do with you or anything you did. We both love you and that will never change.”
- ✓Be prepared for the “reconciliation fantasy” — gently but clearly say it's a final decision
- ✓Watch for sadness, withdrawal, or declining school performance
- ✓Encourage them to express feelings through drawing or play
Ages 9–12: They May Take Sides
Pre-teens are old enough to understand more but still don't have adult coping skills. They may feel angry, blame one parent, or try to play parents against each other. They might also become “parentified” — trying to take care of YOU.
What to say:
“We've made the hard decision to get a divorce. We know this is really hard and you probably have a lot of questions. We don't want you to worry about us — we're going to be okay, and so are you. You don't have to pick sides. We're both still your parents and we both love you.”
- ✓Never use them as a messenger between parents
- ✓Don't lean on them for emotional support — that's what friends and therapists are for
- ✓Let them be angry — it's a healthy response. Don't punish them for it
Ages 13–18: They'll Want the Truth
Teenagers may already suspect something is wrong. They'll want more details and may react with anger, withdrawal, or acting out. Some teens cope by becoming hyper-independent or emotionally shutting down.
What to say:
“We need to talk to you about something important. Mom/Dad and I have decided to get a divorce. We know this affects you, and we want to be honest with you. We've been struggling in our relationship, and we've decided this is the best path forward for everyone. We know you might be angry, and that's okay.”
- ✓You can share slightly more context — but still no blame, no affairs, no financial fights
- ✓Ask what THEY need. Teens want agency: “What would make this easier for you?”
- ✓Watch for risky behaviors: substance use, skipping school, reckless behavior
- ✓Offer therapy — but don't force it. Some teens prefer to talk to a school counselor
Things to NEVER Say to Your Children
- ✗"Your father/mother ruined this family"
- ✗"If it weren't for you, I would have left years ago"
- ✗"Your dad/mom is seeing someone else"
- ✗"We can't afford that — go ask your father/mother"
- ✗"Don't tell your dad/mom about this"
- ✗"You're the man/woman of the house now"
- ✗"You remind me of your father/mother" (said negatively)
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Disclaimer: This article provides general guidance informed by child psychology research. Every child is different, and these are guidelines — not rules. If your child is showing signs of severe distress, please consult a licensed child therapist.
Legal Disclaimer: This article is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice. No attorney-client relationship is created by using this site. Consult a licensed attorney in your state for legal decisions related to custody or parenting plans.