Holidays After Divorce: How to Survive (and Even Enjoy) Them
The first holiday season after divorce can feel like walking through a minefield of memories. Every tradition, every song, every empty chair at the table reminds you of what used to be. But here is the truth nobody tells you: it gets easier. And eventually, it can get genuinely good again.
You do not have to love the holidays this year. You do not have to fake joy. You just have to get through them — and this guide will help you do that with your dignity, your sanity, and your relationship with your kids intact.
The First Holiday Season Is the Hardest
There is no sugarcoating it. The first Thanksgiving without your family intact, the first Christmas morning when your kids are at the other house, the first New Year's Eve alone — these are gut punches. The holiday season amplifies every emotion: the loneliness feels lonelier, the grief feels heavier, the “happy family” imagery everywhere feels like a personal attack.
What you need to know: this is the worst it will be. Studies show that emotional distress during the first post-divorce holiday season peaks sharply but declines significantly by the second year. The American Psychological Association reports that most adults adjust to major life transitions within two years.
The key is not to white-knuckle your way through. The key is to plan ahead, lower your expectations, and give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel without judgment.
Holiday Custody Schedules: The Three Main Approaches
If you have children, the custody schedule is the logistical backbone of every holiday. Get this right and everything else gets easier. Get it wrong and every holiday becomes a battle.
1. Alternating Years
Mom gets Thanksgiving in even years, Dad gets it in odd years (and vice versa for Christmas). This is the simplest approach and gives each parent a “full” holiday experience with the kids.
Best for: Parents who live far apart, families where splitting the day would be too stressful for children, or situations where the parents cannot be in close proximity.
2. Splitting the Day
Kids spend the morning/lunch at one home and the afternoon/evening at the other. This ensures both parents see the kids on the actual holiday — but it can be exhausting for everyone, especially young children.
Best for: Parents who live close to each other, younger children who struggle with missing a parent on the actual day, and co-parents who communicate well.
3. Creating Separate Celebrations
Each parent celebrates the holiday on a different day. Dad does Thanksgiving on Thursday, Mom does her Thanksgiving on Saturday. Kids get two full celebrations.
Best for: Parents who want to create their own traditions, situations where sharing the actual day would create conflict, and families where extended family events happen on different days anyway.
Critical advice: Whatever you agree on, put it in writing and include it in your custody order. “We will figure it out” sounds mature, but it becomes a source of conflict every single year. Specific language in a legal document prevents arguments.
Holiday-by-Holiday Survival Guide
Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving is often the first major test because it falls in November — right when the holiday season starts. The focus on “family” and “gratitude” can feel like salt in a wound.
Tip: If the kids are with your ex, host a “Friendsgiving” — invite other single parents, friends, or people who also need a place to be. Redefine what your table looks like. You might be surprised at how much you enjoy it.
Christmas / Hanukkah / Winter Holidays
This is usually the hardest one. Christmas morning without your kids is a particular form of agony for many parents. The buildup lasts weeks — decorations, music, movies — and every bit of it can trigger grief.
Tip: If your kids are with the other parent on Christmas Day, celebrate on Christmas Eve or December 26th instead. Your kids will not care which day they open presents — they care that they are opening them with you. Many families discover that having “two Christmases” is actually exciting for kids.
Birthdays (Yours and Your Children's)
Children's birthdays often become a competition between parents — who throws the bigger party, who gives the better gift. Resist this. Your children are not trophies.
Tip: Consider one joint birthday party for the kids if you can co-parent peacefully — it saves your child from having to “choose” and keeps their friend group intact. For your own birthday, plan something. Do not sit at home waiting for the sadness to arrive. Book dinner with friends, take a day trip, or give yourself a gift you would never normally buy.
Mother's Day / Father's Day
These can sting differently. If the kids are with the other parent, it can feel like the holiday does not even apply to you anymore. It does. You are still a parent every single day.
Tip: Most custody agreements specify that children spend Mother's Day with Mom and Father's Day with Dad regardless of the regular schedule. If yours does not, request this — it is standard and rarely contested. And if your kids are too young to plan anything on their own, it is okay to plan something for yourself.
Dealing with Family Gatherings
Holiday gatherings with extended family — especially if they include your ex's relatives, mutual friends, or people who “have opinions” about your divorce — can be emotionally exhausting.
- ✓Prepare short, neutral answers for the inevitable questions: “We are working through things privately, thanks for understanding” ends most conversations.
- ✓Have an exit plan. Drive yourself so you can leave when you are ready. Tell the host in advance you might leave early — no explanation needed.
- ✓Bring an ally. A friend, sibling, or your own parent who knows the situation and can deflect awkward moments or give you an excuse to step away.
- ✓Give yourself permission to skip it entirely. You do not owe anyone your presence at an event that will cause you genuine pain. “I have other plans this year” is a complete sentence.
When Your Kids Are with the Other Parent
The empty house on a holiday is a particular kind of silence. It is loud. You hear the absence of laughter, the absence of wrapping paper being torn, the absence of “Mom, look!” or “Dad, watch this!” This is not self-pity. This is real grief, and it deserves to be acknowledged.
The number one rule: Do not sit in an empty house with no plan. The anticipation of the empty holiday is almost always worse than the actual day — but only if you plan something.
Ideas that actually help:
- •Volunteer at a soup kitchen, shelter, or community event. Helping others is one of the most effective antidotes to self-focused grief.
- •Travel somewhere — even a day trip to a new place. Different surroundings break the association between “this house” and “this holiday.”
- •Host other people who are also alone — single friends, colleagues who cannot travel home, elderly neighbors.
- •Start a tradition that is just for you — a movie marathon, a hike, a fancy restaurant, a spa day. Something to look forward to.
Many divorced parents report that the “off” holidays — when the kids are with the other parent — eventually became something they valued. A day entirely for yourself, with no obligations, is a gift you may not appreciate yet. But you will.
Creating New Traditions: You Have Permission to Reinvent
One of the hidden gifts of divorce is that you get to rebuild your holidays from scratch. The traditions that were your ex's family's traditions — the ones you secretly dreaded — are gone. The obligation to split time between two sets of in-laws is gone. You get to decide what your holidays look like now.
Ideas for new traditions:
- •Let your kids help choose — “What should OUR tradition be?” gives them ownership and excitement.
- •Pajama day with homemade breakfast and board games instead of a formal dinner nobody actually enjoys.
- •A “reverse holiday” — order takeout on Thanksgiving, cook a turkey on a random Tuesday. Break the rules.
- •Charity tradition — each child picks a cause and the family donates or volunteers together.
- •Adventure tradition — every holiday weekend, do something you have never done before.
Your kids will remember the joy, not the date. A Christmas celebration on December 27th with a happy parent is infinitely better than one on December 25th with a parent fighting back tears.
Social Media: The Holiday Minefield
Between November and January, social media becomes a highlight reel of “perfect” families — matching pajamas, elaborate decorations, smiling couples by the fireplace. When you are going through a divorce, every single one of these posts can feel like a knife.
Worse: you might see your ex posting their own “happy” holiday content — possibly with a new partner, possibly with your kids.
- ✓Mute or unfollow your ex — not out of spite, but out of self-preservation. You can re-follow when you are ready.
- ✓Set time limits on social media apps during November through January. Most phones have built-in tools for this.
- ✓Remember that social media is fiction. The family posting matching-outfit photos had a screaming fight in the car on the way there. Everyone curates. Nobody's holiday is as perfect as it looks online.
- ✓Do not post about your divorce during the holidays. Venting online feels cathartic in the moment but can be used against you in custody proceedings and rarely makes you feel better long-term.
Co-Parenting During the Holidays
The holiday season tests every co-parenting relationship. Gift competition, schedule disputes, and unresolved resentment all intensify under the pressure of “making it magical” for the kids. Here is how to keep it functional:
Communication
Keep it businesslike. Use a co-parenting app like OurFamilyWizard or Talking Parents so everything is documented. Agree on pickup and drop-off times weeks in advance — not the morning of. Text, do not call, for logistics. Save the emotional conversations for your therapist.
The Gift Competition Trap
Do not try to “win” Christmas with a bigger gift. Your kids do not need two PlayStations. If possible, coordinate gifts with your co-parent so children get complementary things, not duplicates. If coordination is impossible, focus on experiences and time rather than expensive items — kids remember the gingerbread house you built together longer than the toy that broke by January.
Flexibility
The custody schedule is a framework, not a religion. If your ex's grandmother is in town unexpectedly and wants to see the kids on “your” day — consider being flexible. The goodwill you build gets repaid. Rigidity hurts your children more than it hurts your ex. That said, flexibility only works if it goes both ways. If your ex only asks for exceptions and never grants them, that is a pattern to address with your attorney.
Self-Care During the Holiday Season
Loneliness peaks between November and January. Shorter days, colder weather, and relentless cultural messaging about togetherness create a perfect storm for people going through divorce. The National Alliance on Mental Illness reports that the holiday season is the most common time for people to seek mental health support.
- ✓Maintain your routines. Sleep schedule, exercise, meals. The holidays invite chaos — your routine is your anchor.
- ✓Limit alcohol. Holiday parties, loneliness, and open bars are a dangerous combination when you are emotionally vulnerable. You do not need a hangover on top of heartbreak.
- ✓Say no to obligations. You do not have to attend every party, bake for every potluck, or buy gifts for everyone on your old list. Scale back ruthlessly. Your energy is limited this year.
- ✓Schedule joy. Put specific things on your calendar that make you feel good — not just obligations. A massage. A movie. A walk in the park. Dinner with a friend who makes you laugh.
- ✓Get professional support. A therapist, divorce support group, or even a crisis line (988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) if you need it. The holidays are when support matters most.
Practical Tips: Budget, Travel, and Expectations
- ✓Budget reality check. You are likely on a single income now. Set a gift budget and stick to it. Explain to older kids that things are different this year — most children are more understanding than you expect. Homemade gifts, experience gifts (concert tickets, a camping trip), and “coupon books” for quality time cost little and mean a lot.
- ✓Travel logistics. If custody exchanges happen over holidays, book flights and plan drives early. Holiday travel is expensive and stressful — the less last-minute, the better. Build in buffer time so a delayed flight does not become a custody violation.
- ✓Manage your own expectations. This year's holidays will not look like last year's. Stop trying to recreate what was. Instead, aim for “good enough.” A quiet evening with your kids, a simple meal, and genuine laughter is a successful holiday — even if it looks nothing like the Pinterest version.
- ✓New Year's Eve. This one catches people off guard. The pressure to “start fresh” while you are still grieving is real. You do not need to go to a party. You do not need a midnight kiss. Going to bed at 10 PM with a good book is a perfectly valid way to ring in the new year.
It Gets Easier Every Year
This is not a platitude. It is what virtually every divorced person reports. The first year is raw. The second year is tender but manageable. By the third year, your new traditions start to feel like your traditions. The sharp grief softens into a dull ache, then into something more like nostalgia, and eventually into genuine contentment with the life you have built.
Many divorced parents eventually say their holidays became better after divorce — less obligation, less tension, more authenticity. You stop going through the motions of someone else's idea of a holiday and start creating one that actually fits your life.
You will get there. Not this year, maybe. But you will.
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Disclaimer: This article is for informational and educational purposes only. It does not constitute legal, psychological, or medical advice. Custody schedules and holiday arrangements vary by jurisdiction and individual circumstances. Consult a family law attorney for custody-related decisions.
If you are in emotional crisis or having thoughts of self-harm, contact the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (call or text 988) or go to your nearest emergency room. For domestic violence support, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.